Maybe it’s because this winter has officially worn out its welcome. Maybe it’s because my dishwasher has been malfunctioning for weeks and I’ve finally given up on it, resulting in a pile of dirty dishes that I can’t keep up with. Maybe it’s because in the midst of the dishwasher debacle, my oven decided to stop working as well, rendering my spirit for doing anything culinary crushed.
Or maybe it’s because of all the stuff. The stuff that is piling up in corners and on table tops. All the stuff we don’t have room for. The winter boots and coats and snow pants. The rain boots and umbrellas. The boys’ bikes and skateboards and scooters. The vacuum. The piles of paperwork. The six million stuffed animals in the boys’ bedroom. The CORDS. The FREAKING CORDS that are everywhere. Phone chargers, iPad chargers, computer cords, TV and cable cords, video game cords, lamp and light fixture cords, extension cords and power strips. Lots of extension cords and power strips. Because this is a prewar apartment and dozens of conveniently placed electrical outlets weren’t really at the top of the priority list in those days. So maybe all the stuff is suffocating me. Or better yet maybe all those damned cords are tangling and strangling the momentum right out of me.
But really, maybe it’s because the self-sabotage has begun. The, this is all getting too real, too committed. Too put up or shut up. The, there’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said. The, this is the point where failure is possible. So I’m going to pull the plug on me before someone else has the chance to do it.
Maybe that’s the reason I didn’t write or cook this week. Maybe that’s the reason I didn’t do much of anything this week. Except vacuum. Because I didn’t have it in me to get it back into its spot in the closet, buried beneath the scooters and skateboards and coats hanging long. Because I knew exactly what I was supposed to do and could see the fruits of my labor immediately. Vacuum forward, dirt gone. Vacuum forward, crumbs eliminated. Vacuum forward, carpets clean. So I vacuumed our three rugs over and over. More than I’ve probably vacuumed in my entire life (which isn’t saying much, really). Maybe that’s the reason the kitchen is closed this week.